A guy I went to high school with, Floyd, died on 8/29. He was a Marine and he was killed in Afghanistan. It's been such a shock . Me and all of our high school friends have bonded over facebook, remebering our Hero. He was always a guy with a big smile on his face. I'll always remember him with his shaggy blond hair, big grin, and that Jeep he always drove. He was on the football and wrestling teams and he seemed to know everyone in our school. He was so genuine and caring to everyone that he met. I haven't kept in contact with him since he went off to college and then joined the Marines, but it hurts just the same. I can't believe that I know someone killed in this war. And I really can't believe it was Floyd. He was on his 3rd tour and was due home in 7 weeks. He will never meet his baby daughter that is due to be born in November. The pictures from his funeral were not lost on me. He had full military honors as he should. The delicate way they carried his flag draped coffin, the honor guard, and his pregnant wife bent over the folded flag she was presented, crying. It was a profile shot of her very pregnant belly with the flag in her lap, just crying. I didn't attend his service in California or the one they held here this past Saturday at our high school. I wrestled all week with whether I should go or not. I read all the facebook posts from all of our high school friends. Everyone is devestated. I don't regret not going but a part of me wishes I had been brave enough to attend. I didn't want to go there, I didn't want to face the fact that it was true. Floyd died on a Sunday and that following Thursday another high school friend's 5 year old daughter died of cancer. She died 10 weeks to the day after being diagnosed. Our school has been reeling and though I didn't know Ava, she was still only 5 years old. Today my sister called. Her friend from college was killed in Aghanistan this past Friday. I'm sorry to say that I know what she is going through. These past few weeks have been so hard. I pray that out of all this death, God grants us life.

I had my hsg and it looks like my left side was somewhat blocked. He said everything looks good now and we're waiting for me to start my cycle. I've lost my excitement for baby making. Part of me thinks I want to give up. We tried 3 times and we did what we could. I don't know how I feel about anything anymore. Life is precious. We will keep trying. We're waiting for the bank to release more juice and then we're back on track. Except I feel robotic about it. I don't know what to expect and when to stop. I feel like we're just going through the motions. I know I need to get myself out of this funk but I can't seem to.

On a side note, my sister is having a girl who is due in Jan. Her boyfriend is pissed and thinks God is punishing him because he asked for a boy. My sister is upset that her boyfriend is mad and doesn't want to show excitement for this baby so she doesn't upset him. I'm heartbroken at the thought of my little niece coming into a world where she is already not wanted. It's as sad as Floyd's little girl coming into a world without her daddy. These little girls break my heart and have a sad road ahead of them and they are not even born yet. I pray my wife and I will be lucky enough to have our own one day. I guess only time will tell.....

***Literally 2 minutes after posting this, an email came out that one of my co-workers has lost his battle with cancer. My heart is even heavier.....