I was driving into work today and it struck me. I wonder how many people will find out they are pregnant today and be will upset about it. How many people out there will be really pissed and unhappy that they are pregnant? I know my wife and I will be ecstatic when we find out. And so we wait. Everyday that I don't start my period is good news. I'm supposed to go in on Monday for a beta if I don'e start this weekend. I've never made it the beta, I always started before then, so I'm a little nervous as to what the weekend will hold. I also wonder if the clomid will mess up my cycle and get my hopes up unnecessarily. I usualy ovuluate around day 13 but this time didn't till day 17/18. I also usually start bleeding about 12 days after ovulation and today is day 12. I would be so crushed if I make it to the beta but it's only because the clomid screwed up my cycle that bad and not because I am pregnant. I guess we'll just have to wait and see.

On a side note, we're going to a baby shower tomorrow. Wouldn't that be great to start my period then. What a slap in the face that would be. But, she is our friend and we are happy for her. She is straight but she needed IUI's to get pregnant and hers took on the 4th try so I'm hoping #4 is lucky for us as well.

Our 4th try is in full effect! I got shot up on Monday, the 18th which also happened to be my wife's birthday. I'm hoping she gets the ultimate gift. Our RE closed down his practice and joined one of these centers. And this center does not treat same sex couples. So you can imagine how thrilled we were by all of this but we have no choice really, they had 4 vials of our baby juice. We were assured that we would only see our Dr so that made us feel better. Until it happened....we had to go in last Saturday and our Dr was not on call! This was our first cycle using clomid and the directions that my Dr gave me stated to take it days 3-7, start testing on day 11and if no surge in 6 days to call them for an ultrasound and possible trigger shot. Easy enough it seemed, so I called. This bitch nurse told me that you can't detect ovulation by doing an ultrasound and basically discounted everything my Dr had told me. She told me that "our" doctors don't do it like my Dr and she didn't understand why I was calling. I kept telling her the instructions that I had and she finally told me to just come in and take a blood test to check my progesterone. I was so pissed by this point and my wife had to talk me down. Thank god she is the calm one. So we get there and as we're checking in I see this lady that I think is the one I talked to on the phone. I ask her, was it you I was speaking to earlier, and she looks at me this demeaning look and tone and says "I didn't talk to you today" so I ask the receptionist to please give the instructions to whoever it was that I spoke to. The same rude lady grabs the paper and says oh it was me you spoke to. I tell her I was just going by the paper I was given and she just snatches it and walks away. As we sit down in the lobby I'm fuming. I look around at all these couples sitting there. Even when you sign in it states husband and wife so not only do you have to be straight but you have to be married. I'm hating this place more and more by the minute. A lady comes out and calls us back, she was very nice, and took my blood. She told me that they can tell by a blood test whether I ovulated or not based on my progesterone levels. I usually O on day 13 or 14 and this is now day 16 so we're thinking we missed it. We then go back and sit in the office and I feel a little better about the place because of the nice blood lady and receptionist. So then guess who calls us back...the BITCH. She brings us in the room and tells us that they are going to do an ultrasound to check if I ovulated so I ask her why she told me on the phone they can't do that. She doesn't even look at me and keeps talking to my wife. She then says that if it looks like I haven't ovulated they will do a blood test. I tell her they already took my blood and gesture towards my arm and again she gets that snotty tone and asked why did they take your blood as rude and condescending as she could. She looks back at my wife, tells her to take her pants off and get on the table, and tells her that her husband can sit there and points to a chair in the corner as she walks out. My wife and I look at each other and realize that the bitch doesn't even know I'm a girl. Now I'm butch, but I still look like a girl. I was talkinig to the bitch the whole time, saying "me". I guess she thought I was some overbearing husband. Again my sweet wife talks me down as I start damning my Dr for joining this god forsaken practice. We assumed she would figure it out when I was the one on the table with no pants on when she returned. She came back in, did a double take and went about the ultrasound. She was actually very nice after that and she told me that I have not ovulated, had a 17mm folicle, and a nice lining. She told me to keep testing and call back when it was positive. She also called me later that afternoon to confirm that my blood test showed I had not ovulated.

I got a positive the very next morning at 8am and a postive at 8pm. I tested Monday morning at 8am and it was negative so I hope I ovulated sometime overnight. I had my IUI done at 11am Monday. My Dr was very nice and apologetic about the whole thing when I told her what happened. I told her she could make it up to me by knocking me up. So here we are a couple of days later hoping that it works this time. I really hope it works so I don't ever have to go back there again, at least until we try for #2. If this try takes, we'll still have 3 vials at that horrible place. The only perk is that the IUI is cheaper at the new place then it was at the old place. They charge a fortune for storage though....$700 a year. So if this does take we'll owe them money to hold onto our other 3 vials. I just hope this works and soon. I'm ready to get on with this pregnancy thing so we can get our baby.

We went to our annual Pride event here in town yesterday and something happened to me. For the first time ever I actually felt like I wanted to be pregnant. That may sound funny to some of you but I have never had that urge, feeling, or ache to be pregnant. I've always wanted kids but being butch I always asumed that my femme wife would bear me some kids. I never thought I would marry a femme who couldn't. Which lead me to being the default uterus. I've been fine with the idea, a little weirded out, but ok with the thought of being pregnant. I've felt very disconnected to the TTC part while my wife has been so emotionally connected to it. But for the first time, at Pride yesterday, it happened. Now I've had baby fever for a while now and all my wife and I do is stare at babies out in public and talk about "when"...but yesterday it got me. We were leaving Pride and we shared an elevator with another couple who was visibily pregnant. Her wife was rubbing her belly and they were smiling. Her and my sister, who is also pregnant, even discussed maternity clothes. As I stood there watching that I felt the need to be pregnant and ever since then I can't shake that feeling. It was the strangest thing. Hopefully, come the end of this week, I will be pregnant.

I took the Clomid last week and so far my only side effect has been hot flashes which have been really annoying. I'm so pale that they turn me bright red and people have commented. It's really quite embarassing! I should be seeing that smiley face either Thurs or Fri. I'm hoping it shows Thurs because I already have Friday off but who knows. I've had 2 accupuncture treatments this cycle and go in for another one tomorrow. I always feel so good when I keep up with going but it sure does get expensive. Even if it doesn't help with making a baby it sure has made a difference in me so I'm not complaining. I hope everyone out there is good. Wish us luck on try #4 this week!

new month, new outlook

As of today we are back on the baby making train and headed full steam towards our baby. I started my period today, which is always fun, but it does signify the start of this cycle which means progress. I also went to my accupuncturist today which is always a nice treat. I went for a couple of weeks over the summer and saw a real difference in my periods and overall well being but slacked off there for a while and was starting to notice the decline in my energy. When I went in the doc took my pulse and told me that it was low which was a sign of my heart pumping weakly which is why I've been so lethargic and feeling down. She encouraged me to "stop thinking" so much and go back to working out so that I would feel better. She told me that once my pulse is beating stronger that I will feel better. So that's my goal, to pump my blood swiftly through my body. To feel invigorated once again. I'm taking the ole bicycle out for a little trail action and cutting the grass on Saturday and then relax and going to an art festival with my lovely wife on Sunday. I'm getting out from under this black cloud that hovered over me during Sept. I'm getting healthy so I can get pregnant. We're also stating clomid this cycle so this will be a first. Please let me know your thoughts on Clomid. I'm hoping it doesn't turn me into a raging bitch, I don't know if my wife can handle that. She has a lot of work stress going on so I don't want to add to it. Thankfully, she picked up some adjunct work this month which will bring us a cool $1800 which is totally rad! Since she's working her ass off I don't want to stress her out anymore. But seeing as she's working 6 days a week this month I have a lot of free time so I'm going to put it to good use and start working out more. I'm slowly coming out of my fog and I'm loving all the possibilites that lie ahead.

Today is a weird day. One of my students was robbed at gunpoint last night and shot. He is ok but damn. The poor kid was just walking to school. I can't even imagine his poor parents getting that call last night. Everything seems so senseless lately. I hope I can get out of this funk so that I can focus on baby making. I need to get back in the gym, lay off the beer, and get a different outlook on life. We ordered 4 vials yesterday and I'm not overly convinced that it will work within these next 4 tries. Our RE is moving offices as of 10/1 so maybe the change up in location and staff will be a good thing. A new perspective, sort of starting over. My goal is to run this weekend. I used to love to run but ever since we started this ttc business last May I haven't ran once. TTC consumed me and I need to get myself back. I need to run, cycle, and do a triathlon. I kept putting it off thinking I "might" be pregnant. Not anymore. I'm making plans and signing up. I feel fat and lethargic from not doing anything these last couple of months and I want to change this. I will start this weekend. I will run and I will cycle. That is my goal. I'll let you know how that turns out....

A guy I went to high school with, Floyd, died on 8/29. He was a Marine and he was killed in Afghanistan. It's been such a shock . Me and all of our high school friends have bonded over facebook, remebering our Hero. He was always a guy with a big smile on his face. I'll always remember him with his shaggy blond hair, big grin, and that Jeep he always drove. He was on the football and wrestling teams and he seemed to know everyone in our school. He was so genuine and caring to everyone that he met. I haven't kept in contact with him since he went off to college and then joined the Marines, but it hurts just the same. I can't believe that I know someone killed in this war. And I really can't believe it was Floyd. He was on his 3rd tour and was due home in 7 weeks. He will never meet his baby daughter that is due to be born in November. The pictures from his funeral were not lost on me. He had full military honors as he should. The delicate way they carried his flag draped coffin, the honor guard, and his pregnant wife bent over the folded flag she was presented, crying. It was a profile shot of her very pregnant belly with the flag in her lap, just crying. I didn't attend his service in California or the one they held here this past Saturday at our high school. I wrestled all week with whether I should go or not. I read all the facebook posts from all of our high school friends. Everyone is devestated. I don't regret not going but a part of me wishes I had been brave enough to attend. I didn't want to go there, I didn't want to face the fact that it was true. Floyd died on a Sunday and that following Thursday another high school friend's 5 year old daughter died of cancer. She died 10 weeks to the day after being diagnosed. Our school has been reeling and though I didn't know Ava, she was still only 5 years old. Today my sister called. Her friend from college was killed in Aghanistan this past Friday. I'm sorry to say that I know what she is going through. These past few weeks have been so hard. I pray that out of all this death, God grants us life.

I had my hsg and it looks like my left side was somewhat blocked. He said everything looks good now and we're waiting for me to start my cycle. I've lost my excitement for baby making. Part of me thinks I want to give up. We tried 3 times and we did what we could. I don't know how I feel about anything anymore. Life is precious. We will keep trying. We're waiting for the bank to release more juice and then we're back on track. Except I feel robotic about it. I don't know what to expect and when to stop. I feel like we're just going through the motions. I know I need to get myself out of this funk but I can't seem to.

On a side note, my sister is having a girl who is due in Jan. Her boyfriend is pissed and thinks God is punishing him because he asked for a boy. My sister is upset that her boyfriend is mad and doesn't want to show excitement for this baby so she doesn't upset him. I'm heartbroken at the thought of my little niece coming into a world where she is already not wanted. It's as sad as Floyd's little girl coming into a world without her daddy. These little girls break my heart and have a sad road ahead of them and they are not even born yet. I pray my wife and I will be lucky enough to have our own one day. I guess only time will tell.....

***Literally 2 minutes after posting this, an email came out that one of my co-workers has lost his battle with cancer. My heart is even heavier.....

oh the drama..

Let's do this in bullets to make it easier to read:

• Went to the RE and was told my eggs look appropriate for my age. I guess that's good? We liked him but the wanted $1175 per cycle, meds not included, to do the IUI. Needless to say we are back to the original doc who will only charge a $50 copay per ultrasound. New doc won't charge insurance which is why price is $1175.
• Getting my HSG done at the start of my next cycle with old doc. I'm set to start around 9/10. Then, we're gonna start on Clomid. I figure 3 natural tries are enough and that now we need some help.
• Headed for a long weekend in Miami the same weekend I'm set to start and will come back to a "procedure" (lovely). We need this time together so it will be nice regardless. Plus, I get to see my beloved Granma.
• One of my high school friends dies in Afghanistan last Sunday and leaves behind a pregnant wife. It is too sad to put into words. My heart breaks everytime it flashes across the local news.
• We took a month off due to all this doc fiasco and it's been so nice to not know what CD I'm on.
• And we're on the waiting list for our favorite donor so let's hope that happens. It is so hard to find a Latin donor. If you guys come across a bank with some, I'd love to hear what bank it is so we can check it out.
• And last but not least, my sister find out today whether she is having a boy or a girl. I still don't know how I feel about her pregnancy...

That's it for now, I'll be catching up soon!

**UPDATE***

My sister just called, she is having another girl. I'm happy for her, I just wish it was us who was having a baby.